Reflections.....

Another day gone by. Another uneventful day. It was a hot day but by the evening, the sky had darkened and the rain came, pouring from the sky.
Mum asked me today to take her home....she wanted to go home. She just could not understand that she was already home.....or was she asking me to take her home to that special place? I don't know....her thoughts were so muddled up. Hope she would be better today.
I made soya bean milk. It was delicious.....so much better than the drink that I bought from the shops. So today I am going to make more of the soya bean milk and also make some 'taufu fah'. As some of my friends say 'yum...best in the world'.
What is installed for me today? Something good I pray. Anyway, all I know is that I'm going to watch a documentary at 3 pm...just hope I don't forget.

Reflections.....

It's been so long since I put my thoughts into words. This is already the middle of March 2009. How time flies! Between January and now so many things had happened. The economic downturn has turned to economic depression. My mum's health has deteriorated as each day goes by. Every day I just wonder whether it is her last day on this planet earth. But, being a resilient person, she keeps bouncing back. Caring for her these few months set me thinking about life and death. Is it worth living a long life when at the end of it all there is no quality of life? Looking at my mum's body now that it has been reduced to only skin and bones, i wonder where has all the muscles gone? Her diet has been the the puree stuff these few weeks and she has difficulty in swallowing....even water she finds it difficult to swallow. Though she may not be considered as bedridden, she could hardly walk a few steps. She could hardly talk and all she does now is to whisper. Her thoughts are all muddled up and even I do not understand what she is saying at times. She keeps talking about people I do not know and of places and times about a hundred years ago. As the Malay saying goes...sangat susahlah....caring for an old person. Now I begin to think about myself....am I caring for her because I love her as my mother or because it is simply my duty to care for her? She has other children too but .........????? Do I want to live to such an old age myself? Certainly not if I have a choice. The only choice I have is to pray every day that I age gracefully and healthily. Will God Almighty grant me this wish?......I certainly hope so.